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the beeline: 10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy

the beelineTaylor P.Comment

I just recently completed my first pregnancy. Although the books tell you an awful lot, every pregnancy is unfortunately different and filled with its unique experiences. Although I was extremely excited to welcome our daughter into the world, I learned so many things about pregnancy that I never really thought about before in quite the same light and likely never will think about in the same way again. Thus, I have compiled a list of things below that I learned since the first trimester: 

1. Birth Control Is Not As Foolproof As You Thought

If you have irregular periods and are on birth control, you can totally be blissfully unaware that you are very much pregnant. Even if you take your pills/shots/etc the way you are supposed to, there are absolutely no guarantees that you won't fall into that percentile that gets pregnant. Once you are pregnant and start asking around, you'll find out that at least half of the people you know were using birth control when they found out they were with child. 

If you have irregular periods and are on birth control, you can totally be blissfully unaware that you are very much pregnant. Even if you take your pills/shots/etc the way you are supposed to, there are absolutely no guarantees that you won't fall into that percentile that gets pregnant. Once you are pregnant and start asking around, you'll find out that at least half of the people you know were using birth control when they found out they were with child. 

 2. Time and Space Are Suddenly Irrelevant

Everything starts happening super fast (whilst seemingly moving super-slow) when you are in the baby territory. Day-to-day you will spend wondering if your baby is ever coming out and then you will look at the calendar and realize you are a few months from delivery and have a panic attack and want him/her to stay in there forever! 

Everything starts happening super fast (whilst seemingly moving super-slow) when you are in the baby territory. Day-to-day you will spend wondering if your baby is ever coming out and then you will look at the calendar and realize you are a few months from delivery and have a panic attack and want him/her to stay in there forever! 

3. Yes, I Really Am Having a Baby! 

It sometimes takes forever to start really showing, especially if you weren't rail thin to start with. You might seriously considered carrying around an ultrasound photo as evidence just in case, you know, folks think you just ate too much pecan pie over the holidays (even though you so ate the hell out of that pie!) And every time you cancel plans on your friends because you are bent over a toilet (which unfortunately may happen a lot,) you want to scan your friends some pictures of your medical records just to exonerate yourself. 

It sometimes takes forever to start really showing, especially if you weren't rail thin to start with. You might seriously considered carrying around an ultrasound photo as evidence just in case, you know, folks think you just ate too much pecan pie over the holidays (even though you so ate the hell out of that pie!) And every time you cancel plans on your friends because you are bent over a toilet (which unfortunately may happen a lot,) you want to scan your friends some pictures of your medical records just to exonerate yourself. 

4. Morning Sickness and Other Atrocities Are For Real

Yeah, your friend that was pregnant that said she "loved" being pregnant? Obviously she didn't have the all-day nausea, hormone-induced pregnancy tumors in your mouth, horrible round ligament pains when you roll over, and splitting migraines. Lucky girl. Morning sickness is real and awful. Some women have it their entire pregnancy. You will get body hair in places you never thought possible, stretch marks will reign supreme, and constipation is a common daily occurrence. Oh, and hemorrhoids, because why not?  And those are all the wonderful things you might look forward to if you don't have actual complications. You will be in constant disbelief that your body can go through all of this insanity and remain intact in the end. 

Yeah, your friend that was pregnant that said she "loved" being pregnant? Obviously she didn't have the all-day nausea, hormone-induced pregnancy tumors in your mouth, horrible round ligament pains when you roll over, and splitting migraines. Lucky girl. Morning sickness is real and awful. Some women have it their entire pregnancy. You will get body hair in places you never thought possible, stretch marks will reign supreme, and constipation is a common daily occurrence. Oh, and hemorrhoids, because why not?  And those are all the wonderful things you might look forward to if you don't have actual complications. You will be in constant disbelief that your body can go through all of this insanity and remain intact in the end. 

5. Your Baby Will Have a Party In Your Belly (sometimes all night long!)

Every time he/she moves you'll replay that scene from Alien in your head. Or this one. If your baby is a night owl, you will be blessed with the lovely feeling of almost falling asleep only to have someone start kicking you in the ribs or the bladder at 2am. Also, falling asleep is difficult because you wind up being so uncomfortable trying to get in the right position to sleep. Is this everything you ever dreamed of? Of course it is, silly!

Every time he/she moves you'll replay that scene from Alien in your head. Or this one. If your baby is a night owl, you will be blessed with the lovely feeling of almost falling asleep only to have someone start kicking you in the ribs or the bladder at 2am. Also, falling asleep is difficult because you wind up being so uncomfortable trying to get in the right position to sleep. Is this everything you ever dreamed of? Of course it is, silly!

6. You Just Want It Over With 

"Can my water just break already?" Everyone keeps telling you that by the time you are in labor, you don't even care what happens so long as the baby is out. Your body is doing so much crazy crap by the second trimester that you can't wait until he/she is out and about just so you can achieve some sense of normalcy. And then you feel selfish and start worrying about the gross realities of labor. 

"Can my water just break already?" Everyone keeps telling you that by the time you are in labor, you don't even care what happens so long as the baby is out. Your body is doing so much crazy crap by the second trimester that you can't wait until he/she is out and about just so you can achieve some sense of normalcy. And then you feel selfish and start worrying about the gross realities of labor. 

7. Pregnancy Brain is the Bane of Your Existence

Did you lose your keys again? Or your other child? What were you getting at the supermarket again? Why did you go out for milk and end up with tacos and plastic wrap? What was I talking about? These unsolved mysteries can only be attributed to pregnancy brain and its extreme ADHD-like tendencies. 

Did you lose your keys again? Or your other child? What were you getting at the supermarket again? Why did you go out for milk and end up with tacos and plastic wrap? What was I talking about? These unsolved mysteries can only be attributed to pregnancy brain and its extreme ADHD-like tendencies. 

8. Granny Panties are the Shit

You find out that maternity clothes are actually amazing (and primarily ugly.) Those XXL panties you used to mock in the store are now your BFF. And say goodbye to your waistline, breasts, and most of your shoes because things are about to get weird and big. Really big.  

You find out that maternity clothes are actually amazing (and primarily ugly.) Those XXL panties you used to mock in the store are now your BFF. And say goodbye to your waistline, breasts, and most of your shoes because things are about to get weird and big. Really big.  

9. You Will Probably Be Full of Hate (and Food)

You will pretty much spend the first two trimesters being upset and wanting food. Pregnancy hormones are like PMSx1000. It is like a superpower. A very, very horrible one that you are not always aware of. You can bounce from being extremely apathetic to giddy happy to totally hateful in a span of .05 seconds. Your significant other will live in constant fear that you will be like this forever and you just hope that they are so happy with their new kiddo that they forget this period of matriarchal tyranny after the baby is born.  

You will pretty much spend the first two trimesters being upset and wanting food. Pregnancy hormones are like PMSx1000. It is like a superpower. A very, very horrible one that you are not always aware of. You can bounce from being extremely apathetic to giddy happy to totally hateful in a span of .05 seconds. Your significant other will live in constant fear that you will be like this forever and you just hope that they are so happy with their new kiddo that they forget this period of matriarchal tyranny after the baby is born.  

10. Strangers WILL Invade Your Personal Bubble

Because as if pregnancy isn't uncomfortable or invasive enough, everyone has to ask you extremely personal questions that under normal circumstances would be completely inappropriate. And then, of course, everyone starts touching your belly because THAT'S NOT WEIRD OR INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL, AMIRIGHT? 

Because as if pregnancy isn't uncomfortable or invasive enough, everyone has to ask you extremely personal questions that under normal circumstances would be completely inappropriate. And then, of course, everyone starts touching your belly because THAT'S NOT WEIRD OR INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL, AMIRIGHT? 

What weird things have some of you learned so far with your pregnancies (or those of folks around you?) Inquiring minds would like to know! :-)

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