There was a point in my life when I was known as an “A-P-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.”
I literally was called this by more than one person and at the time it didn’t really bother me. I laughed about it, self-effacing, depreciating my self without a hint of awareness about what being such entailed. My awkward self would process things accordingly:
Them: “Ouch! I stubbed my toe!”
Me: “I’m sorry!”
Them: “My dog died today.”
Me: “I’m so sorry!”
Them: “I hate my coworker so much!”
Me: “I’m sorry!”
What I probably should have followed up with would be an account of how I am a sensitive person, an empath, who feels things intuitively and picks up on their sorrow or pain. I just wasn’t sure how to say that in a way that didn’t sound ridiculous. By saying “I’m sorry” it meant so much more. It meant “I support you. I am here for you. I can imagine how that feels and it sucks. I am trying to walk in your shoes to understand.” So being labeled an apologist, over time, gets grating. Because I wasn’t apologizing just for the sake of apologizing— I was trying to connect in a meaningful way and did a poor job of it.
The more ironic thing was that an apologist isn’t even what I was. An “apologist” is actually “a person who offers an argument in defense of something controversial” according to the dictionary. I was just under-confident and unable to communicate fully. I have a history of feeling too much, thinking too much, and generally carrying all of that weight around for no reason other than some misguided overwhelming guilt and the unconscious thought that I somehow could take in someone’s pain or sadness so that they would feel less of it. I still wish this was how it worked because I would do it in a heartbeat.
I totally believe that we should all take ownership of our actions and especially apologize meaningfully if a situation warrants an apology. There are so many times that I look back and wish I would have apologized for something I did or said. I can think of very few times in my life that I did something intentionally to inflict hurt on someone though (I can count those on one hand)— but when I have one can rest assured I probably felt worse than they did about it and agonized over it for many years. Sometimes so much time has passed that it would be more awkward to apologize than to simply let it go and hope that the person knew you saw the error in your ways. I have a few of those, too, and I imagine they know I had regrets. I still think about them and wish I would have had better awareness to make things right when things happened rather than waiting too long to where it was immaterial.
But now in my thirties I have learned THAT there are things we should NOT apologize for.
We should never apologize or make excuses for who we are or what we do if we are living with a kind heart. If I am living in righteous and humble ways, it’s not my responsibility if someone passes unfair judgement on me or makes false assumptions— That’s on them. Someone that has known me even for six months intimately would only know a small fraction of who I am, and I imagine most people are fairly complex, so I shouldn’t have to apologize for my complexity or my intensity. I am an extremely driven and aggressive (not in the bad way— just in the take-charge and approach people gregariously sort of way) person and I have implemented rather high standards over the years but the highest standards are on my shoulders. I am long-winded-- I love to write. I love the written word. I am a person of great verbosity and being apologetic will not phase me from being genuine and true to my form. I, of course, will apologize if I have hurt someone, whether intentional or unintentional. I have been and will probably always be a person that walks to to beat of my own drummer. I had an ex send me a video on dancing in a style he felt was more refined than my own and I said, "Why on Earth would I want to dance like everyone else? How boring!" Hell or high water, I dance the way I want to and don’t care if I look dumb doing it. I’ll apologize only when it negatively affects others.
We should never apologize for not putting up with bad behavior. Nope, nope, nope, nope. If someone mistreats me, I have every right to explicitly tell them how I feel about it. If they feel this is in error, they have every right to explain their side. But if it affects me, I shouldn’t have to apologize for standing up for myself. I have self-awareness enough these days to know when I am at fault or if the other person is at fault (or in many cases, if we both are, in which case I will apologize for my part in things.) I spent a lot of time holding my tongue in the past and it wounded me. Now I say exactly what I think with as much kindness as I can muster and in the end I have no regrets about that. I’m just learning to be a little bit more concise and straightforward about it (usually—- I am anything but succinct typically.)
We should never apologize for having a past. Yes, I wore black in high school (FYI: not a gothic/devil-worshipper but just had an eating disorder and was ashamed of my body! THANKS, Naysaying Relatives!) I had a lot of boyfriends/partners. I was married once. I have debts. I changed majors. I owned a cafe/vintage store/venue that crashed and burned after a year. I come from a dysfunctional family. I started more projects than I can ever finish in this lifetime. I have had bad things happen to me that shouldn’t have happened to anyone ever. I did burlesque. I used to cuss like a sailor. I used to drink and sang karaoke a bit too much. I have written a few ranty-angsty letters before to boys (usually with good cause, but still probably not befitting of what most consider lady-like behavior)— my point is, all of those things are part of the fabric of who I am, but they do not define me. Every year I grow, I become, and I transcend. I learn and evolve. The person that inherently defines me is my rather spirited character but the person I was even a year ago is a ghost and shadow of my former self—I barely recognize her at all. Life is fluid and ever-changing and so are we. That being said, if someone has wronged people in a criminal way, or done something malicious to another, they should have the balls to apologize for their past behaviors no matter how long ago the incident. A lot of things CAN be solved by a humble apology or trying to make things right, too.
We should never apologize for walking away in the spirit of self-preservation. If I have walked out on someone (or something,) there is a huge chance that I had really, really good reasons for doing so. It’s never a decision I make lightly. It doesn’t mean I stopped caring about the person but it does mean I am not going to play anymore. I am too old to engage in toxic relations with people and want to focus that energy on the people and things that bring joy and passion into my life. I will try for a period, and give them many chances to prove they have a good nature, but at the end of the day if there is more good than bad I will exit or keep my emotional distance permanently.
We should never apologize for bad/sad/messy/off days. Sometimes we all have bad days— sometimes we’re a little antisocial or awkward and that is okay. I was super-guilty of being self-conscious about not being a “small talk” person or apologizing for being unhappy when legitimately horrible things were going on in my life— but no more. I’m letting that freak flag fly. Welcome to my (creative) mess. I will do my best to just tell people ahead of time I am having a “blah” day and then keep to myself. Sometimes being an introverted-extrovert (or vice versa) means we gotta recharge.
We should never apologize for being sensitive. I was often accused of being “oversensitive” in the past (I probably was at times, to be sure) and now that I’m older I have kind of balanced out and am sensitive on a palatable level. But that doesn’t mean that I should never be allowed to cry, or be upset, or have actual emotions about anything. In a society of disconnect, being sensitive is a liability. My sensitivity is what comforts my daughter when she cries and cuts people slack when they clearly are having a rough patch. I should never have been made to feel ashamed for feeling things more deeply than some people do.
I apologize for the things that matter.
I support those who need supporting and whether it comes out as “I’m sorry” or a long diatribe about how much I love and am there for them, it’s genuine and from the heart and people that take issue with that just need to get over it. I’m NOT sorry about that one. No one should ever have to apologize for being kind.
We should only apologize for the things that are worth apologizing about. We shouldn’t have to feel guilty or sorry about things that are out of our control. Just because someone doesn’t take ownership doesn’t mean you have to. We should use that energy in more profound and constructive ways to fuel our inner fires and become what we are meant to be. So guys (and girls)— no apologies (unless you truly NEED to apologize.) You’re officially on notice! :)